As a teenager, there is one thing I always told myself I wouldn’t do. Sleep with a married man. What am I doing today, after all these years of “principles-bound” life? Sleeping with a married man, of course!
How do I feel?
Well, it depends on when the question is asked really.
After love-making. Good.
When he says: “don’t wear that type of lipstick…. You know how you are women! You can feel and smell things”. Bad.
When he kisses me like I have never been kissed before (or I think I have never been kissed that way before). Good.
When he glances at his watch and thinks I am not watching. Bad.
When he talks to me in a way that makes me feel special. That makes me feel like without me, his life ain’t the same. Good.
When he disappears for days and thinks that an “I love you” sms will make me feel good. Bad.
I could go on like this forever, right?
Hey…I want to be able to live with myself. I want to be able to say that “I did not sleep with a married man”. But that, ladies & gentlemen would be a lie. A huge one. Because I am indeed sleeping with a married man.
I know I am in the wrong. But for the moment, I just can’t help it.
Is that the sex? The stallion love-making? The affection? The staring? The conversations? The advice? The encouragement? The excitement of doing bad deeds? The tenderness?
So many questions, uh? Well, I’d say it is L-O-V-E. I love him. I am in love with him. Simple as that.
Ever tried of getting out of it? Yes. Once. But he insisted so much on going on and promised to make more time for us that I shrugged and gave us another chance. But when you think about it, there is no “us”…really. As long as there is already a “him and her”, a “she & he”, there can never be an “us”.
How can I go on smiling knowing deep down that I am STEALING someone’s husband? That the “us” is a lie. It is only (beautiful) stolen moments before we leave each other to go back to our real life.
“Maybe she doesn’t know”. A sentence to make me feel better. And does it really?
“What about if she knows and pretends not to see anything? Or just feels that her husband is having fun with a “local”? Surely she must be hurting. And cursing.
Whatever scene I am picturing in my head, the bottom line is that I am sleeping with some woman’s husband. BAD. BAD. BAD.
And just reading it like that on my screen makes me feel…BAD. That’s what they call a “conscience”? An inner voice telling you “you are so BAD”. Or someone’s stare meaning: “I hope nobody does it to your own daughter. Can’t you just get your own man? You shouldn’t be doing that, you husband stealer!”
But at the same time, you have that voice that whispers softly in your ear: “We only live once. Life is too short” and this, my dear friend, makes you wipe out the “married” word from your lips for a little while...
Until his beautifully manicured fingers move and the wedding band hits you in the face once again;
Until the phone rings, he smiles at you whilst disappearing from the room…or worst, he asks you whether he can pick the phone up as it is “his Madam” calling.
Until he looks at his watch and says: “I have to go back home now. Thanks for the evening. I needed it”. Will I always be his “need-to-get-out” moments? His “gap-filled instants” away from his married life?
Words screaming “SPARE TYRE” in my head.
Should I be proud that he spends this kind of moments with me, whilst leaving his family at home, all thinking he’s still at work? Nope.
Would I like this situation happening to me? Nope.
Am I ready to let go of him? Hell no!
Will I try to end this relationship and move on to someone that is not married? Um…interesting thought…but…well, I have not found anybody else yet!
Listen you, I cannot pretend that I don’t like the attention. However, I am fully aware that the attention comes from a married man, who’s probably very happy to have a wife AND a girlfriend! The best of both worlds, right?
To go back to the conscience bit….Of course, I have one. It is just that… it has not been working properly lately. Or it is not listening to me anymore.
Ok: He is a man. A bloody married one for that matter. Which leaves us with the following conclusion: married vs. single = doomed!
His mobile phone stuck to his ear and he calls and whispers to you OUT of the family home. Wipes his lips after my strawberry-flavoured kiss. Totally ignores you (you don’t exist) when his kids are around. Can go on without seeing you for 2 weeks whilst in same city because his lady is around. Can spend days without a call nor an sms to you because “I am so busy!!! Remember???”. Does not feel he needs to answer ALL smses or even acknowledge them. Behaves as if normal to have a girlfriend and a wife (maybe it is legal in his home country? I should ask him). Stresses you when his curfew is up. Thinks it is normal to travel without sending any news at all….blah…blah…blah
Will this help me make a final decision, turn the page over and move on???
Only time will tell...
Ladies…here is a word of advice: Do not fall for a married man…Trust me on this one...